Friday, July 31, 2009

A Very Keen Vacation

Tomorrow morning I will be heading to Aruba with my girls for a week!!  I cannot express to you the glee this brings.  I have never taken a vacation like this.  Ever. Ever. Ever.  I will be staying in a condo at a beach resort bopping from bar to pool to beach and back again.  Books will be read.  Swimming will be done.  A half day on a schooner is booked, one with a rope swing one can fling from and drop into the turquoise blue ocean, followed by snorkeling.  I shall send pictures as soon as I am able.  You guys hold onto the Keen in your lives while I am gone, okay?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Interesting Personal Ads...

"The Equations of Love:

True, I have written scripts and novels, but have spent the last few years having my former literary sensibilities flattened by science, as I have been pursuing a biology degree – and at my age! But what makes me different is that I have the unique ability to impose equations onto the messiness of human life and modern culture -- or maybe I am just crazy.

The half-life of an isotope is t1/2= (1/k)ln2, with k being a constant of that particular atom or compound, and the length of the half-life depending on the stability of the isotope – and the same holds for the half-life of relationships, with k representing the shit that happens between a couple in a world filled with competing reactions (temptation, work and other goals), while relationships that are unstable from the start have a quick half-life, and those founded on solid ground can outlast the human life span.

My physics professor said that the most important equation is F=ma, or Newton’s Second Law of Motion, as everything else, including energy calculations can derive from it. F=Force, and then there is the force of attraction, which depends on the mass, as measured in physical and mental beauty, times the acceleration of how fast this attraction is out of the gate – that is, taking it slow at the start equals a low romantic trajectory and a quick and sputtering crash to the ground, though with neither of the two parties injured. Remember the equation for momentum: P=mv, with v being the velocity of romantic attraction, and if P is high at the start, then it will carry the relationship through the force of gravity (the real, uncaring world, or g=G(m1m2)/r2, with r as the radius of modern distraction). But in the end, it requires energy, E=mv²/2 and work, w=J=Nm²/s.

And that is my spiel. Now let me see, and note, the resulting chemical reaction. "

Letters Never Sent:Volume 1

I met you when you were waiting tables at my boyfriend's restaurant. Dark, a bit moody, but with a light behind your eyes, we connected instantly, and by the time my meal was finished that first morning, with the staff all around the table noshing pastries from the bakery across the street, and slurping down our coffee, we were fast friends. Perhaps we recognized in one another that tendril of emotion, the cord of thoughts and feelings clear and taught between us. You were young and inspired by your angst, a philosopher at heart, questioning everything.

We would stroll along the Potomac with books in hand, discussing Kant or Rilke, or music you had just discovered. In essence ours was a bond of brother and sister, with a twist. There was no romantic attraction, unless you count the sort of romance of the old days, when men and women would stroll the parks, canoe with umbrellas and speak of deep things. You longed for something, some tether to your world to keep you from flying away, a diaphanous wing, a scattered leaf to the wind.

The morning I heard of your suicide I was not shocked. I was deeply saddened though, for your light had gone out without my knowing it, and our connection had snapped quickly.

That was over 25 years ago.

And I still miss you.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Um, I am ALL for literacy, but, D00de, your logo SUCKS

Massachusetts Literacy Foundation Logo

I simply cannot be the only one who parses this as "MILF". Which, considering the target audience, is, well...tacky and otherwise inappropriate. Unless, of course, the literature they are proposing is porn.

For the uninitiated, the term "MILF" is defined Here.

Really. Bad. Logo. Design.

No, really.

Tsk, tsk,tsk.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Soda My Your

I'm sayin' I would NOT want to be this lady. No way. No How. Would not Could not in a box. Would not Could not with a fox. She is flanked by the Democrats on her left ("Ooooh! She is enough like us to join our club! Here is a magic decoder ring!") and the Seething Republicans to her right ("She might bring BIAS to the court!!!! Oh! NO!!!). Yes, she will bring a certain, um, flaaaaaaaaaavor to the court. One that is decidedly NOT Vanilla White Upper Class American. As far as I am concerned, that court could USE a little Cha-cha-cha.

The Universe has a great sense of humor...

AC run-off from a car, an interesting puddle, eh?

I laughed out loud. Hard. Yesterday was a tough day for me. Lux has some sort of urinary incontinence issue, which, apparently is common in spayed females. The net result of this has been that I have been following her around with towels, for every time she lays down she dribbles a little. The incredibly HAWT Dr. Johnson examined her and gave me a lovely bottle of medicine, which she will have to take FOR THE REST OF HER DAYS. No...I never knew about this apparently COMMON issue with spayed females. I do now. Cost of lesson? $115. Not bad. Oh, well, and about 4 loads of laundry and little sleep.

As I was waiting at the bank yesterday my phone rang. It was Kevin, in Chicago, asking me if I had time to share "a Kodak Moment". What followed was a noise I mistakenly surmised was a recording of the 1968 Apollo Mission rocket firing. He had *finally* assembled his VW bus engine, and all strapped to the table, hooked up by wires and hoses, he got it to start. What a thrilling noise! I know how much he enjoys loading up his bus with gear and kids and hauling out to some Midwest place of beauty to rock climb and camp and hike. He has been working on this bus, like, for. ev. ar. and I am totally thrilled (and impressed!) that he was able to re-build the motor himself and finally get it to fire up. YAY!

Another thing that made me smile greatly was getting this picture of Scott, canyoning in Japan. He is over there installing a cryogenic probe station for a few weeks. Anyway, that smile is the biggest I think I have ever seen on his face. He is having a great time, at least when he is not being a busy research engineer tinkering with big and expensive machines and eating a lot of eels.

So, yeah, it has been a mixy few days here in the New England area. Rain has abated, mostly, and the sun is glorious to be in. I drape it over me most of the day, soaking it in, for fear of it's eventual loss. I have temporarily put away my Ark Supplies. I now spend more time on mosquito patrol. Inevitable.

I wonder if Noah did anything special about the mosquito issue with all that standing water around?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Jon, Jon, Jon...

There is a pot for every lid
photo credit:

Someone deserves a slap upside the head with a huge trout. Seriously, wft? I *get* that life was hard for you. I *get* that money and lust and running around like a 20 year old is cool and groovy for you. But, have 8 kids to think of now. Keep it in your pants for a while. Put away the credit card, and start thinking about something other than your typical teen-aged behaviors.

I suggest 40 mgms of Prozac daily. It has been known to keep parakeets from pulling out their feathers. 'Cause, dude, you are days away from imploding.

Back away from the yacht, slowly.

And take that ring off your finger. Yeah, that one. The one that looks just like Hailey's. While you are at it, go buy some shoes other than flip flops. I hear they won't let you work at Wal-Mart in those.

Snarkily Yours, an ex-fan,


P.S. I know your soon to be ex-wife is a bitch, but, Jesus! If your body was a clown car, you would be a bitch, too.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Each of us opens in our own time...


When size matters...


am always one to snarf up something good and useful from the side of the road. Just who I am. This is the story of two such things.

2 years ago, while walking in the woods with some dogs, I happened upon a 30 gigabyte iPod, sitting woefully under some ferns. It was horrifically scratched on the surfaces, but I took it home, hope in my heart that it would, in fact, work. After plugging it in and charging it up I was pleasantly surprised to see that it DID!!! It DID work!! Wow!! An iPod like that costs over 300 dollars!! Score!!!!

That iPod and I have been best friends ever since the day I rescued it from doom in the woods. Even with all of my music library on it, I still had, like 80 percent of space left, something which filled me with the hope of renewal by music. One of the ways I treat myself is to cruise iTunes store and purchase songs once a month. My library is diverse, and filled with all sorts of things, including meditations I use frequently with tweeting birds. (I do not use the thunderstorm ones, because, let's face it folks, my WHOLE SUMMER has been thunderstorms...27 days out of 35 in fact).

I also scored a little blue wading pool from down the street on trash day. It has a hole on one side, but no matter, it would work perfectly as a dog dunker, to cool of my oh-so-black doggie after a hot hike. Or, to slip my toes into while sitting in the back yard sipping chardonnay. Or, if it got REALLY HOT, I could curl up in a fetal position and baste myself with a cup. You get the idea, yes?

So, back to the size thing.

One of the things I love to do most is hike in the woods. I do it a lot. I have also been working out more, and the result is that my body is shifting around, becoming a different shape than it used to be. So, one of the net effects of this is that my, um, foundation wear became too large. I went for a fitting and got new bras, but I still use the old ones from time to time. ("time to time" being when the laundry gets piled up and I have no clean new one to wear...).

After a long hike this weekend I came home and made some iced coffee...I brewed the coffee over cocoa nibs and added agave, and LOTS OF ICE. Lux was panting, so I decided to fill up our little wading pool and cool her down. I was listening to my iPod.

This iPod once had earphones. Once. But my cat ate the cord. The earphones I was using were for another device, and were considerably shorter than traditional earbuds, necessitating my placing the iPod not in my pocket, where it usually would rest, no, not there...mind you, I had to place it, IN MY BRA. Nice. (Nicer if it had been ice cold, perhaps!)

So, let's see. Too big a bra. Too short a cord. Hmmm...

When leaning over the pool to get out a bug...


Yes, folks, my breasts refused to reach out a grab that device, so it slipped to it's death in the pool.



Not that!!! I reached in, shook it off and immediately texted Kevin in Chicago. "iPod fell into wading pool Fuck!", which prompted an immediate phone call from him begging me to not turn it on or it would die for sure. But, it WAS on already.

So, people, I am unable to secure The Staples Center for a full memorial service, and MSNBC states that they are in no way interested in covering the death and memorial service for my iPod, but I am in mourning.

So, let this be a lesson to you.

Wear the right size bra at all times. And, for god's sake go to Target and spend 20 bux on a good set of headphones when your cat chews your earbuds to death.

*cue 21 gun salute*

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A rose, by any other name....


Things that make me happy...

The first bowl of Cheerios out of a box.
Our last kiss.
Remembering fluffernutter sandwiches at the beach in my youth (*only without the sand part).
The smell of gin and limes.
The feel of 72 degree air wafting around me while the sun is shining.
The way my dog just halumpfs down next to me and sighs.
Hearing a friend laugh hard during a long distance phone call.
Dreaming of flying.
A perfectly cooked steak with a glass of good red wine.
Naptime for the neighbors and their screaming kids.
Did I say gin?
Shrimp. Steamed.
Corn. "on the bone" as my kids used to say.
The way your eyes glimmer sometimes.
Iced coffee made at home brewed over cocoa nibs and sweetened with agave nectar.
Crushed mint.
Clean sheets.
Oh, and sun. Sun, sun, glorious sun!!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"Mom! My cocoa tastes funny..."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Tisket a Tasket, a really freakish Basket...

Two days of sun so far in July...

The weekend of the 4th was lovely. Lovely. My eyes burned with the glare. My skin got a little darker shade of pale. I sat in the yard and read and wrote and thought and breathed, until the din of lawnmowers went on for over an hour, ringing in the season in yard after yard. I was bitten by some bug. It itches.

Again, morning comes to wind and rain. Again, the damp house is chilly. Again, I find myself lacking any incentive to do anything but stay in bed and sleep. Again, I pull myself from my lair to head out to walk many dogs in pouring rain.

Yesterday I did, in fact, watch Michael Jackson's memorial service. And, yes, in fact, I did cry. I know people who don't cry who bawled at watching that event. Maybe it is the lack of seratonin from the weather, maybe it is the medication I take which makes me feel like I am slogging through mud all day, but I sat there with tears running down my face. Then my daughter, who was in bed with me watching that service, piped up with:

"Mom. I bet Michael will pop up out of that casket and yell 'Psych!!!' ".

Didn't happen. But the thought of it did bring a smile to my face.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Good Riddance, June...