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There is no escape from growth. It happens to you, around you, inside you, all the time. You could no more stop a train with the wings of a butterfly than make the change cease its endless push forward. Like many, I struggle often with growing pains, and much is internal, never spoken. Joys, fears, wonderings, musings, little angers building up and then dissipating like popcorn in a wind storm, all inevitable parts of being human.

I have begun a process of Letting Go recently. I have consciously decided to pry my fingertips away from the edge of the pool of wanting Something So Badly. I had to. I simply had to loosen my grip, my desire to have things go "my" way. Sure, there is a little death there, and I feel it. It is my fervent hope that the loss of what I wanted will be filled in again with Something Even MORE Wonderful in the future, or perhaps a re-visit to What I Want at another time, with other involvements.

I submit to the fact that it cannot be. And I KNOW I am worthy of the things I want. So I will wait for new coordinates.

Until then, I am feeling the need to be gentle with myself, to honor the loss of what I wanted to Be, and to keep my eyes open for New and Wonderous Things on the horizon.

My busy inner life...

I met my friend, Andy, for brunch at Masa in Woburn this weekend. It was remarkably yummy. I am a chef and I take the word "yummy" seriously. The portions were perfect, the flavor profiles were clean and delightful and the outdoor patio was wonderful in the spring morning breeze. (click HERE for their lovely brunch menu)

But that is not what I wanted to write about here. I wanted to impart to you a little bit about what goes on inside Julia on a daily basis. I live a very busy inner life. And my brunch at Masa is a perfect example of that.

What you might have seen: Julia reaching for the butter. Julia sipping her coffee, smiling. Julia nibbling some bread.

What I experienced/noticed:

The two people next to us had a small child. The mom was wearing a grey fitted sweater and black pants. The dad was wearing a heather green top, long sleeves and jeans. The daughter had on a dress and green tights, little white shoes. She was not so happy about this whole dining al fresco thing. Mom gave her stickers to play with. They discussed landscaping.

The two people on the other side were expecting a baby. She wore a blue and white top with a pattern and blue stretch pants. She had on large sunglasses and a gold necklace. He was wearing a red shirt and jeans. She spoke a lot about x genes and y genes and how she did not want to sit around and watch sports with a son, so she hoped it was a girl.

There were purple, white and yellow pansies in baskets along the rail of the patio.

Petco had a promotion going on....including sales staff attached to HYOOGE balloons. Six of them. Red, Yellow. Purple. They had words on them like "chirp" and "woof".

There were four kinds of bread/muffins in the basket. Three condiments, apricot preserves, strawberry jam and honey butter.

This was all before the meal came.

I take in more than the average person. I see things people don't. I hear things people don't. I feel things people don't. I taste things people don't. It is wonderful and exhausting. Most of the time it is a three ring circus inside me, while on the outside, it appears that I am totally concentrating on the words coming out of your mouth. It is not ADD, it is more like Super Sensation Input. This is why I sometimes get overwhelmed easily, and need to turn off the radio while driving, why I require quiet time and why I really enjoy alone time or private time with friends, rather than large crowds, or parties. This is why, if I am in a particularly emotional place, my bandwidth for what you would consider "normal" is so narrow. Be patient with me. I have no choice in the matter. It is just the way I am wired.

Intensity

Dream

I have an acquaintance who said something powerful last week...she wrote "Never compromise on your dream. Compromise on how you get there." That hit me right between the eyes, right on the ol' bindi, the third eye, that pluckable property between the brows.

It got me to thinking, and processing, pulling back the many layers of the inner onion, to try to find the kernel of Things. I think all of us get caught in the trap of expectation and attachment to outcome from time to time. Heck, some probably reside there, in that high rent district of the soul.

I am going to bet that some of us even find ourselves thinking that dreaming, or having something, someone, some job, some love, some wealth shimmering in the distance like so much mirage, is folly. Chasing the bright carrot of Now, only Now, never Later, never to squint at a goal post from afar, is the method that works for them.

Some of us need a clear game plan, with charts we hold in our hearts of Return on Investment, Profit and Loss, deposits, withdrawals, interest reports.

Some of us can only dream if we have control of the process as completely as possible. Some can let loose the grip on how we get there, and are open to creative and out-of-the-box ways of working toward our Dream.

As I said before, I know my "it" is out there. And, to be totally and frankly honest with you, holding onto the edge and demanding that the process of getting to that reunion happens the way I *want* it to, is not working for me.

Chasing dreams involve change. Making way for what you really want, deeply inside, involves Letting Go of the edge.

And, if you have been doing the same things, over and over, in your life, your love, your job, your friendships, and that path has not yielded what you seek, then it is time to accept that there might be another way to get there.

Dare to dream, they say. Risk it. Get clear about what you want and do not compromise that clarity. Compromise on how you get there.

It

I know it is coming. I have dreamed it, and allowed it to percolate up to the surface. I have spoken it,invoked it, coaxed it along. I know, to the very core of my being, that "it" is on the way. Somewhere, someplace it is growing in it's own path, creeping along, or soaring above, to ME. I can sense, deeply, that all will be okay, eventually, that I will find it, or it will find me, and a big sigh will come from inside me, as I wrap myself around it and say "Welcome! I have been waiting for you!"

And the response will echo back "And I have been waiting for you, too! It took me a while to get to you, but I was on my way all along. I heard you ask for me, and I knew I would find my way to you, eventually."

I have looked in places near and far and not found what I was looking for. I have expected it to Be in situations where I had NO BUSINESS expecting at all. I have cried and struggled for something(s) to happen, grasping at the Possibility when there was none there. Only in letting go, truly, and finding the knowledge that "it" is out there, tracking a course to ME, *in it's own time and way*, will I find Peace.

huh?

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal: A comic I love.

Kids...they make me cry, and Laff

Thursday evening, driving to the gym with the teen:

Kid: OMG! It's Thursday??? Really? That means tomorrow is Friday?!

Me: Yup, usually.

Kid: Do you have any idea how awesome that is???!!!

Me:...? Um, Yeah?

Kid: 'Cause, frankly, this week was Shit on Wheels!

Hafiz

All the Hemispheres

Leave the familiar for a while.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season

Onto the meadow and shores and hills.

Open up to the Roof.

Make a new watermark on your excitement

And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.

Change rooms in your mind for a day.

All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.

Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.

All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire

Chatting

While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of

You.