Saturday, May 9, 2009

Battle:Loving What Is


I find myself in this place often enough that I should recognize the stones in the path, the walls, the trees, the buds of promise. But, the truth is that this is a life's work, this battle with Loving What Is. I honestly believe that learning to love what is there, how things present themselves, coming to a place of acceptance is a healthy mode of navigation. I believe in many of the Buddhist principles, particularly the one which speaks to the origin of suffering coming from attachment to outcome. Most of the time, I do a substantial job of loving the people, places, experiences in my life, reserving judgment, beaming acceptance and love into all of it.

But, sometimes, I just struggle with it.

I have always been one who sticks with things too long, longer than is healthy, giving and giving and trying and trying, when, in fact, it turns out that cutting the cord and leaving an unhealthy relationship, job, habit, whatever, is the best, wisest and more sustainable choice. I am not sure how much of that stems from a fear of change, or a fear of loss and grief, or a need to feel in control ("Hey, it is up to ME to stay or go, therefore I CHOOSE and have control").

I guess for me the big question is if something is not feeding me well, is not honoring the Me that I know myself to be, and thus not likely to have the Outcome (see above) that I want, do I really just tamp down my Me-ness, my desires, my wanting my life to have the shape and feel that I think will help me lead a happier life, just to end the suffering of the lack of that??? Sure, that might work. Lessen the need for the deeper relationship, the more productive and delightful job, the happy-,making friendships...Lessen the desire for a specific outcome and Love What Is...let go of the attachment and the suffering will cease.


I dunno...

I think there is a way to Love What Is, while at the same time acknowledging that it does not fit for you, that you do want more, that there is nothing wrong with What Is, but that you need to steer yourself, to true your path to that which makes your heart sing.

Sometimes I battle with this, wondering how much of that is my reticence to stand firmly in the Now, in whatever Life is handing me. I don't want a turnstile life, jobs changing all the time, a revolving door to my bedroom, so many new friends that I cannot support the friendships I already have...constantly seeking, searching...

At the same time, I am not happy with What Is right now.

I *want* a deeply connected, present and electric day to day relationship.

I *want* a job which pays me well, and allows me to support my kids better.

I *want* friends who are kind, loving, and inspire me to be a better person.

I *want* a family life which is a nest, a coming-home place of love and respect and joy.

Sure, I can tone down the desire, numb up, work too hard, medicate myself against the lack. Or, I can just see What Is as abundance and feel gratitude. But, I want more than Neutrality, more than Acceptance, more than a Lack of Suffering.

Damn, it is confusing sometimes.

The truth is that life is all of these things (and more) at once. But, at what point does acceptance and love of What Is, become a method of closing up to Possiblity, of coping, of settling?

I guess the fact of the matter is that I want to Love What Is, AND true my course to those things which make my life meaningful, beautiful, and abundant.

Somehow those seem oxymoronic to me this morning.

Maybe I just need more coffee...