Saturday, November 22, 2008

November's Chill

It is SO cold out there this morning!!! My fingertips got numb as I walked along with my coffee in hand, only one mitten on. The dog was alive with sparky energy, sniffing bushes, bolting for squirrels, as I listened to my Morning Mix on my iPod. Iron and Wine was softly crooning into my ears. We reached the park, designed by Olmstead, one of Lux's favorite places. Running about the field, I was jamming to music, bright and full. then, NOTHING. I hate that. Battery ran out in the middle of a great song. The silence was deafening.

I thought about the metaphor involved, and pondered it as I sang along to the non-existent song anyway. Anyone walking by would assume my ears were full of song, but it was only my own version which rang through the cold morning, a shabby version of Jenny Owen Youngs.

I have been trying to cope with "Inconclusive". One of the blood tests from Emily's last round came back "Inconclusive". I hate that. When it comes to medicine I seem to want black and white answers, and not knowing exactly WHAT bacteria is involved, and thus not knowing WHICH antibiotic will help, is frustrating. At present the one she is on seems to be helping, but she is still not back to herself. More frustrating are the phone calls that speak of "Positive for this but at levels that are inconclusive" followed by another call days later saying "Negative for this", only to be followed by another call days later saying "Let's test again!!! We are not happy with the results, we want more information..."

Inconclusive...for me it means NOT KNOWING...and I am sometimes very uncomfortable with that. I am working on letting go of needing to know. A lot of life falls into the Not Knowing category these days, medical, financial, personal. All I can do is take steps ahead with as open a heart and mind as I can muster. I think that, over time, I have learned to read signs and plan ahead, but these days the signs are confusing. No plan can really be the Right One. So I paddle along in the stream of life, watching as best I can for rocks, going with the current. I don't feel as strong in this mode, though. I do better Knowing, having some map to guide me.

But, the truth is that I have no idea where I will be in the stream tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now. I know where I would *like* to be, and I am steering my craft as best I can to that end. Sometimes it feels like I am paddling upstream.

I don't think Buddha planned very much.