Thursday, March 25, 2010

Roads Diverge


I met Daniel one summer at a drumming/camping weekend, as I was putting up my tent. I sat down and grabbed a peach from my pack and ate it, juices flowing down my face. He came up to me, wearing shorts and a head scarf with flames on it, smiling. We made fast friends. But, it was more than that. We resonated at the same frequency and sought one another out most of the weekend. It was very clear that there was something special between us. I was in involved with someone at the time, and he was married, so a romance was not possible. But we remained friends, deep and profound friends, for years, until at one point we were both free to engage in something deeper.

It was a short something deeper, as we discovered some parts of us that did not mesh well, including the fact that he really was not into kids or animals and I had both. Also, he was decidedly polyamorous, and while we tried dating others at the same time, with some success, it got complicated and messy and I was unable to really open up to him any deeper. Eventually, he met and fell in love with G. , a truly wonderful woman, became monogamous with her and I went my way dating little over the next 2 years.

This week he proposed to G. I am so very happy for both of them, because they truly are the best matched couple I have ever met. He is a magnificent man, and I am thrilled that he has found "The One".


It has also led me to this place of reckoning, of feelings that speak to me about how rare that is, how almost every man I have dated since my divorce has required non-exclusivity or how I choose people who are distant to me, unavailable in one way or another.

Part of me is saddened that I have yet to find someone to build a sustainable relationship with who wants exclusivity. Not only that, but that of the two men I have had the deepest feelings for BOTH were vociferously NON-MONOGAMOUS, yet they left relationship with me to be monogamous with others.

I get that it isn't "about" me. But, my feelings about this ARE about me, and about my doubts about finding anyone who sees me as special as I do, as worthy as I do, as wonderful as I do, and who really DESIRE exclusive relationship.

I tell myself that it isn't indicative of my undesirability. And, most days I can really listen to that. I don't want to craft that with someone who really does not want it. I don't want to force anyone into a box that is ill fitting for them. I can love part way. I try to be able to embrace all the forms of loving and joy that come my way.

But, still, part of me is reminded, again, that it is so very, very rare to find someone with whom you can craft a healthy and sustainable relationship AND have them want that with only you.