Monday, April 13, 2009

Feeling Not So Okay


There is no denying it now. And, though the winds were blowing yesterday with temperatures in the high 30's, the real chance of snow is over. Spring is here, and bursting in fits and starts. Oddly, the cold yesterday made me feel so chilled inside that the already present headache I had was incessantly begging for warmth. It made me want to crawl into my nest and avoid All of It.

I have been struggling for the past two days. It feels as if I am sinking under water, my energy level is almost nil, and yet the list of things to do is growing longer and longer. I have responsibilities that are screaming at me (some literally) and all I want to do is hide and not be present. In general, I am a happy person, one who faces life with aplomb and creativity. Currently, like so many other people, the tax deadline approaches and I am about to see all of my money go out of my accounts, and it is striking in me fears and feelings of scarcity. This year I was unable to make enough money to be comfortable about writing those checks to the government. For me, because of my screwy tax status, that means over 10K in tax bill, of which I currently have, oh, about 6. The gigs just were not there this year. People cut back on graphic design updates to their sites. Others chose not to have fancy parties and wedding receptions.

And, I feel stuck.

I feel stuck because I have to be here for my kids in the early afternoon. I live in a town where the good schools are out of my district. Also, I live too far away for them to walk (with the 70 pound backpacks, and yes, I weighed them...their schools have lockers which are approximately 5 inches wide, and they have to carry their books everywhere they go), AND too close to be eligible for the rather EXPENSIVE busing available in our town. At last I saw it was over $300.00/yr per child. The net-net of this is that I must be home by 1PM daily to take my senior kid to her community involvement program and/or to work in New Hampshire then go back an pick her up at 5 or 6 depending on her schedule. So, that effectively narrows my work time to between 8-12. Currently, my dog walking schedule is a mere dribble. All this adds to the already presens sense that no matter what I do, it is never enough.

Add on prom time, upcoming graduation gifts, and recurring medical bills from Emily's kidney infection.

Add on the bigger issue of COLLEGE tuition.

Add on the fact that I have several Very Important Things which need needing regular road tires, and fixing whatever that Noise is emanating from my car. Like my hearing loss. Like the fact that my computer now makes a horrific noise when or IF the fan engages intermittently...

If I take away the relationship with Money issue, things loosen significantly enough for me to enjoy what is going on around me. But, lately, all I want to do is drink wine, sleep, medicate myself with entertainment and avoid the screaming need for my attention to these matters.

So today I am making a list. I will deal with several things a day and reward myself for doing so. I will get it done, and I will meditate and find some inner peace by following only my breath.

Send me some loving vibes today. I feel really vulnerable, and I could use the good stuff you send my way.